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this is deranged filler, i'm so sorry

me sending out this silly little email

*taps microphone* Uh, hello.

So in the past couple of weeks, I’ve gotten a handful of subscription renewal notifications and was mortified to realize some of you are throwing money at me for…what, exactly? Think of it as a sort of modern day patronage*, I guess, because it’s certainly not for this!!! Here is me acknowledging that it’s been crickets around here and even though it’s not exactly like people are beating down my door for a new little email, I feel bad! Let me explain:

I am in the last months of writing the first draft of my book, which is hard, actually! Who knew! It is now well past the 100,000 word mark despite still needing the last two and a half chapters and a preface and afterward. Oops! But really, what would an Elaine May book be if not too long and chaotic as hell! My brain is hanging on by a thread. My sanity? Right there along with it. My tan? Non-existent. I cannot remember what it is like to have a fun carefree summer outdoors save for daily bitchy little walks in the mornings and evenings. (You either die young or live long enough to find yourself becoming the kind of “thinks of going on a leisurely walk is fun and a power walk is a great, low-impact exercise for good joint health” person you once made fun of.) Anyway, it is nearly impossible for me to write anything other than the most inane and deranged tweets imaginable, so my silly little melancholic Substack essays are not happening right now. But even though there’s nothing but TV static going on upstairs, I cannot in good conscience abandon this, even if it is only a temporary leave of absence.

Here is an assorted letter of recommendations for things I have been enjoying these past few months to make up for….something. I don’t even know anymore

*actually I think I will make good on that patronage premise and send subscribers a little bit of what I’ve been working on lately as a fun little treat, so! :) 

okay so sorry thanks love you sorry again bye!
- carrie

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It has honestly never been a better time to be a fun little beverage bitch. The market is saturated, baby, and between the extreme heat/my drinking way way less because I’m tired of getting a hangover after a single glass of wine/my inability to leave the grocery store or CVS without a fun little beverage, I have been having the time of my life sampling all of these offerings so I can report back. Some that have my seal of approval: I cannot even look at La Croix anymore now that strawberry, grape, and black cherry Waterloo seltzer are more widely available; probiotic “soda” (orange OLIPOP is a divine little refresher, strawberry lime Poppy? Splendid!) is delicious don’t let the haters tell you otherwise; twist of lime Topo Chico, an oldie but a goodie; Ghia lime and salt? Sip it slowly over ice and u will simply ascend; I’m mad at whoever on the Upper West Side is buying up all the cactus prickly pear cans of De La Calle Tepache because it’s simply divine (the grapefruit lime flavor is good too, tho); bottles of Polar reign supreme but the lemonade flavored variations *in a can* are summer staple; crazy, I know, but I have traded my signature daily sugar free Red Bull for these Alani Nu energy drinks, which unfortunately give off wellness influencer girly energy but taste very good; it’s unfortunate that Bella Hadid is a co-founder of Kin Euphorics so I feel like a gen z celeb worshiper every time I buy it, but their Bloom flavor (it’s kind of like a rose) is THE definition of a fun little drink. Finally: an ice cold Sprite Zero from the fountain? The greatest beverage to ever exist. (Obviously this entire list is not even taking Diet Coke into consideration because that’s on its own level of excellence.) I probably should have just made this newsletter one focused fun little drink roundup. But alas.

Annual reminder that you can buy a container of Cool Whip and just eat it by itself, no one can tell you you’re not allowed.

I recently got into buying fresh cherries and they’re obviously very good (also good with Cool Whip if you can’t bring yourself to realize it’s not a condiment, it’s the main dish) but I guess I somehow missed the memo for my entire life that cherries are expensive!!! I spent $20 on a bag of cherries earlier this summer!!!! $20!!!! BUT I guess if you are wealthy/manage your money stupidly like I do/find that the concept of selling produce by weight goes right over your head like it does mine, fresh cherries are it, baby!

The great Fran Hoepfner recommended this ice roller in a past dispatch of her great Fran Magazine and I ordered it immediately and it is maybe the greatest thing I currently own? Roll your face! It feels good and it’s good for you!

Have you been watching Nathan Fielder’s The Rehearsal? Did you watch season 2 of Hacks, the best show on television right now? Ethan Hawk’s Paul Newman and and Joanne Woodward doc, The Last Movie Stars? What about My Brilliant Friend, a brilliant show not nearly enough of us are talking about? TELL ME you watched And Just Like That… deranged as it may have been. (I did not watch The Staircase because as much as I like Toni Collette, Colin Firth, and Parker Posey I do not like to be frightened but I heard it was very good!) PLEASE, we have to keep HBO Max from imploding. Do your civic duty.

On the TV note. This has obviously been said a million times already but in case you have missed any of those, chef: The Bear!!!!!!!!

There are so many new movies I have yet to see because my brain cannot focus but…..the Marcel the Shell With Shoes On movie? The sole (and best) exception. Soft, tender, a nice little cry! “It’s about community,” I choke through my tears. Good for anyone who finds themselves looking at the sky every evening and whispering “oh, how lovely” as if they’ve never seen a sunset once in their silly little lives. 

Obviously new Beyoncé is amazing, but you know what other new album is also good? The new Maggie Rogers one!

Which means I am legally obligated to say “Remember that time she pulled out this performance on SNL? How could you forget it?”

Recently remembered how truly perfect Regina Spektor’s 2006 album Begin to Hope is and lucky for all of us she just did a delightful Tiny Desk for our enjoyment.

You know what other aughts nostalgic bop is so very good? “Peach Plum Pear” by Joanna Newsom. I can—and often do—listen to it on repeat for like an hour straight. Bonus: Watch an absolute infant (24 year old) Newsom play the shit out of this live. More harps in pop music please!!!!

That gospel song that’s the latest TikTok framing device? I unironically fucking love it. (Yes. Yes, Lord.)

I have literally thought about this New Yorker feature about extreme drought coming for the southeast and the insane rich developers who are building expensive communities in places where there’s literally no water and then disrupting the scarce supply chain for those who are truly in need every single day since it came out.

What would one of my newsletters be without a reference to the greatest orphan musical of all time (Annie)? Thank you to Tyler Ruggeri, who brought my attention to this incredible local news piece on a Long Island middle school that put on a New Yawk accent-heavy production with the woman who played Pepper in the 1982 film, who is…oddly the only adult in the entire production. (Although the principal DOES have a cameo as FDR.) Deranged! Camp! High art!

This last one is not so much a recommendation as an insistence but are you still wearing a mask? You should still be wearing a mask! Yes, in the grocery store! Yes, even if you’re running into CVS for 3 minutes! Yes, at concerts, not just for yourself, but out of respect for your favorite artists, many of whom make most of their income on the road, don’t have to cancel and lose money. (Walking by a mostly…older…crowd heading maskless into the Beacon for Jackson Browne’s, like, five night residency there the other week…harrowing. Why did the Beacon want so badly to try to give Jackson Browne covid again!!!!) And ESPECIALLY on public transportation and airplanes and do not even get me started on dining indoors. We’re still very much in a pandemic, babes! I know more people who have gotten Covid in the past two months than over the past two years! AND we’re facing another impending public health crisis that will be very bad and very poorly managed even though it’s preventable by… you guessed it! Wearing a mask and distancing and washing your hands!!! I am someone who has never been wrong about anything in my entire life, especially when it comes to public health issues, so trust me on this. I was—I swear I am not exaggerating this part—ordering toilet paper and clorox wipes in December 2019 and telling people “this China thing is a ticking time bomb, it’s probably already here, and it’s going to get very bad” and wearing homemade face coverings by March 13! Am I……a prophet? The smartest person to ever live? Or just an insane paranoid hypochondriac who is probably becoming a little bit agoraphobic as a trauma response to ~all this~? Who’s to say! Certainly not me! Anyway, wear a mask and wash your hands and if you’re working out at a gym I swear to fucking god be a civilized sentient human and wipe down your equipment before and after you use it. Okay thanks bye!!!!!!!!!!

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okay that's it that's the end thanks bye